Erm… “Hi”, I guess… (a.k.a. GIVE ME A WRITING JOB, NOW!!)

[this post contains explicit, sweary language]

Let’s get to the point: I’m a frustrated failing writer wannabe. A know-it-all letter published in The Simpsons Comic aged eleven regarding Homer Simpson’s weight, and a diatribe in The Metro which was so highly redacted that it made me look like an idiot, are the peak of my success thus far. I dream for the day when some sympathetic newspaper editor will either publish my drivellings and pay me for it, or else offer me a seven-figure cash settlement to never send him any of my deranged and borderline threatening ramblings ever again.

I am a highly versatile scribbler: screenplays, sitcoms, poetry, film reviews, articles, comedy sketches, songs; comedy, drama, horror, satire; academic or prole-ish. There is no genre or topic or register which I can’t splunk off over.

Also, I’m tired of teaching English to foreigners. I might just crack if I have to correct even a single further piece of mangled English. Recent pleasures have included ten minutes of saying “I’ve got an ear ache” only to have it “parroted” back at me as, “I vee be gooser you-near-eck”. Honestly. Apparently there’s “no such thing as bad students, only bad teachers”. Yeah, well FUCK YOU, Danny Norrington-Davies, try teaching English to Afghan tribesmen, you smug fuck!

So, read my stuff. Enjoy my stuff. Repost my stuff as if it were your own, and get a highly lucrative contract out of it. FOR THAT IS SOD’S HOLY LAW.

Disclaimer: This post contains an essential seed of truth wrapped up in a jocular fleshy fruitlike substance and should not in any way be construed as being a 100% accurate representation of the views or sentiments of Bryan Ashley James Parry or his non-existant associates and friends.

All resemblances to persons living or dead are entirely intentional but have been done in the best-hearted jolly-good-ribbing,-chap spirit of satirific fun and no offence is meant to be taken… however, as Jimmy Carr says, “Offence is taken, not given” and you HAVE NO RIGHT TO NOT BE OFFENDED. Grow a thicker skin, imaginary critics of mine!

(And Danny was actually a great teacher. I wish I could be like him… but with hair :’~( )

© 2013 Bryan Ashley James Parry

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