Subtitle Failure


I enjoy the stationary bikes in the gym. They’ve got a little telly built in, and I normally watch subtitled BBC news for half an hour or so whilst pretending to pedal hard. I don’t know the science of how the subtitles work: I have no idea if it’s automatic, or there’s a little man frantically typing, or what, but there are some epic fails. Here’s some that’s just happened. You shouldn’t laugh, really, as some of the topics are so serious, but the macabreness of it is what makes it funny in a way (Oh non-existant God, forgive me!)

We were told how a mother is coping with her “thick little boy” who is sick in hospital with “rain cancer”…

On a beheading of a journalist by a grisly terrrorist group, we were told that the scene was “offal — — offal — — terrible“.

“The clear message that President Obama Dave Rahm Moscow was … Dystonia is a member of NATO…” So back off our dear friend Dystonia, Mr. Putin! (or our Prez, Mr. Rahm, will get you!)…

A company was referred to “as the biggest employer in the area with around 1000 Mormons in the pipeline — — more in the pipeline”

And that was just the  really stupid ones in the last half hour! P.S. Google “bbc news subtitle fail” for t3h lolz. Also see here!


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© 2014 Bryan A. J. Parry


International LADS’ Day


Women. First they got the vote. Then they got the pill. Now they got CONTROL.

Valentine’s Day. Mother’s Day. Anniversaries. And now International Women’s Day(!) All of these are a SCAM perpetrated on men by an unholy alliance of FEMALES and GREETING CARD COMPANY EXECUTIVES. To what end? Simply put: to subjugate men to the worst tyranny possible: financial, emotional, societal.

Listen. What bloke gives a monkey’s about Valentine’s? None. What woman? Just all of ’em. Always makes me shake my head sadly when the subject of Valentine’s comes up; they’ll be some young lad going, “Ohh, we won’t be doing anything. She says she doesn’t believe in it”.
SHE’S TESTING YOU, FOOL! Of course she cares; they ALL do!! Women keep shit-chatting me, “Ohh, but Valentine’s/Anniversaries/etc are for men, too”. Yeah, right: who you trying to convince, love!?

Well, I’ve had enough. Women get too many made-up holidays these days. The virulent spread of International Women’s Day is the straw that broke this camel’s back. What about MEN, eh? What do we get??

There should be an International LADS’ Day. A day just for LADS. A Day when LADS can be LADS, do LAD stuff with other LADS, watch the football, drink beer in our undies, look at titties on page three without shame or pretending to read the political article on page two. A day FOR LADS, BY LADS, where women have to serve us beer naked, their headaches magically dissapear, they are seen and not heard, shoe shops are closed all day, and we can visit brown town if we so please!

So, I’m calling on all males to GROW A PAIR, STAND UP, and PROCLAIM INTERNATIONAL LADS’ DAY.

Of course, you know what day it’s gonna be on: 26th July, every year from now on. Why the 26th of July? It’s only the birthday of the LAD TO END ALL LADS, the GREATEST LAD OF ALL: JASON “THE STATH, THE LEDGE, THE LAD” STATHAM.*

Jason Statham: Ultimate LAD.

Jason Statham: Ultimate LAD.


*rumours that THE STATH used to be a soppy diver, like Tom Daley, is a LIE put out by the enemy of LADS to grind us down. Keep the faith, brother.

© 2014 Bryan Ashley James Parry

Guess Who’s Back


Guess Who’s Back

Guess who’s back, back again, Bryan’s back, tell a friend.

This raises a few questions.

1. Who is Bryan?

Answer: me. A failing writer who has been on a downward spiral ever since the dizzying heights of getting a letter printed in The Simpsons Comic aged eleven.

2. Back? Was he ever here?

Answer: Yes, yes I was. Any old idiot can get a rush of blood to the head and fanny-fart out an abortive wordpress blog. These are ten a penny. But it takes an obsessive compulsive idiot with borderline personality issues to maintain it. Fear not, good people, for I am such an idiot – despite appearances. Unfortunately, a series of tragic events prevented me from posting regularly since I set up this blog: getting made homeless, hospitalisation, getting married.

But now I’m back, back for good. Back to entertain the seventeen people who have viewed this blog since its inception (from the same two suspiciously familiar IPs). Back to post randomicity to my heart’s content for I have no actual readers whose sensibilities I must cater to or editors with a lust for profit to satisfy. Back to splurge words all over your screen as only a writer manqué can.

© 2014 Bryan A. J. Parry a.k.a. The Doggerelizer