International LADS’ Day

GoogleBug_WomansDay_InvertedAndDefaced

Women. First they got the vote. Then they got the pill. Now they got CONTROL.

Valentine’s Day. Mother’s Day. Anniversaries. And now International Women’s Day(!) All of these are a SCAM perpetrated on men by an unholy alliance of FEMALES and GREETING CARD COMPANY EXECUTIVES. To what end? Simply put: to subjugate men to the worst tyranny possible: financial, emotional, societal.

Listen. What bloke gives a monkey’s about Valentine’s? None. What woman? Just all of ’em. Always makes me shake my head sadly when the subject of Valentine’s comes up; they’ll be some young lad going, “Ohh, we won’t be doing anything. She says she doesn’t believe in it”.
SHE’S TESTING YOU, FOOL! Of course she cares; they ALL do!! Women keep shit-chatting me, “Ohh, but Valentine’s/Anniversaries/etc are for men, too”. Yeah, right: who you trying to convince, love!?

Well, I’ve had enough. Women get too many made-up holidays these days. The virulent spread of International Women’s Day is the straw that broke this camel’s back. What about MEN, eh? What do we get??

There should be an International LADS’ Day. A day just for LADS. A Day when LADS can be LADS, do LAD stuff with other LADS, watch the football, drink beer in our undies, look at titties on page three without shame or pretending to read the political article on page two. A day FOR LADS, BY LADS, where women have to serve us beer naked, their headaches magically dissapear, they are seen and not heard, shoe shops are closed all day, and we can visit brown town if we so please!

So, I’m calling on all males to GROW A PAIR, STAND UP, and PROCLAIM INTERNATIONAL LADS’ DAY.

Of course, you know what day it’s gonna be on: 26th July, every year from now on. Why the 26th of July? It’s only the birthday of the LAD TO END ALL LADS, the GREATEST LAD OF ALL: JASON “THE STATH, THE LEDGE, THE LAD” STATHAM.*

Jason Statham: Ultimate LAD.

Jason Statham: Ultimate LAD.

SPREAD WORD OF INTERNATIONAL LADS’ DAY, YOU LADS! GROW A FUCKIN’ PAIR.

*rumours that THE STATH used to be a soppy diver, like Tom Daley, is a LIE put out by the enemy of LADS to grind us down. Keep the faith, brother.

© 2014 Bryan Ashley James Parry

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Erm… “Hi”, I guess… (a.k.a. GIVE ME A WRITING JOB, NOW!!)

[this post contains explicit, sweary language]

Let’s get to the point: I’m a frustrated failing writer wannabe. A know-it-all letter published in The Simpsons Comic aged eleven regarding Homer Simpson’s weight, and a diatribe in The Metro which was so highly redacted that it made me look like an idiot, are the peak of my success thus far. I dream for the day when some sympathetic newspaper editor will either publish my drivellings and pay me for it, or else offer me a seven-figure cash settlement to never send him any of my deranged and borderline threatening ramblings ever again.

I am a highly versatile scribbler: screenplays, sitcoms, poetry, film reviews, articles, comedy sketches, songs; comedy, drama, horror, satire; academic or prole-ish. There is no genre or topic or register which I can’t splunk off over.

Also, I’m tired of teaching English to foreigners. I might just crack if I have to correct even a single further piece of mangled English. Recent pleasures have included ten minutes of saying “I’ve got an ear ache” only to have it “parroted” back at me as, “I vee be gooser you-near-eck”. Honestly. Apparently there’s “no such thing as bad students, only bad teachers”. Yeah, well FUCK YOU, Danny Norrington-Davies, try teaching English to Afghan tribesmen, you smug fuck!

So, read my stuff. Enjoy my stuff. Repost my stuff as if it were your own, and get a highly lucrative contract out of it. FOR THAT IS SOD’S HOLY LAW.

Disclaimer: This post contains an essential seed of truth wrapped up in a jocular fleshy fruitlike substance and should not in any way be construed as being a 100% accurate representation of the views or sentiments of Bryan Ashley James Parry or his non-existant associates and friends.

All resemblances to persons living or dead are entirely intentional but have been done in the best-hearted jolly-good-ribbing,-chap spirit of satirific fun and no offence is meant to be taken… however, as Jimmy Carr says, “Offence is taken, not given” and you HAVE NO RIGHT TO NOT BE OFFENDED. Grow a thicker skin, imaginary critics of mine!

(And Danny was actually a great teacher. I wish I could be like him… but with hair :’~( )

© 2013 Bryan Ashley James Parry