Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots 7: Best of the Rest #spoof

The best of the rest

image
The Fourth Kind (2022… and again in 2026… and again in 2027) 

How we tried to like the 2009 original. That owl idea was just too damn cool. Unfortunately, the film wasn’t. By the way, the reboot(s) won’t be, either. Sorry to break it to you.

image
Final Destination (2022)

Same plot as the original. And the sequel to the original. And the second sequel. And the third. Aaaand the fourth. But with new actors. $100,000,000 box office?

image
Hitcher (2024)

The 2007 remake wasn’t that good, so, yeah… REBOOT!

© 2016-2021 Bryan A. J. Parry

 

CREDITS:

Cabin Fever: http://www.dreadcentral.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Cabin-Fever.jpg

Fourth Kind: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenna-busch/emthe-fourth-kindem-revie_b_342812.html

Final Destination: https://wall.alphacoders.com/by_sub_category.php?id=231695

The Hitcher: http://crypticrock.com/this-week-in-horror-movie-history-the-hitcher-1986/

Labyrinth: http://www.sbs.com.au/comedy/article/2015/11/30/disturbingly-tight-pants-family-movie-labyrinth

Harry Potter: http://aretheyoldenough.com/are-they-old-enough/project/harry-potter-philosophers-stone/

LotR: http://www.androidauthority.com/fellowship-google-free-574980/

X Files:  http://www.denofgeek.com/tv/the-x-files/38483/the-x-files-episode-1-spoiler-free-review-my-struggle

Back to the Future: https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn28374-back-to-the-future-does-physics-of-martys-time-travel-add-up/

Star Wars Episode I: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/film/star-wars-episode-i–the-phantom-menace/review/

Left arrow: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/c/c1/Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome.svg/2000px-Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome.svg.png

Right arrow: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/47/Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome.svg/2000px-Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome.svg.png

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 6 #spoof

image

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (2028)

Following George Lucas’ death in 2027, a respectful period of around six weeks is observed before the announcement of the most keenly craved reboot in cinematic history: Star Wars Episode I. Time to cut that cancerous mass, AKA Episodes I, II, III, out of humanity’s consciousness, burn every copy, and pretend they never existed. And this plan definitely wasn’t in the works for years behind George Lucas’ back…

Directed by J. J. Abrams’ protégé’s protégé’s protégé who was poetically born in 1999, the year Phantom Menace was released.

2000px-Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome_svg
2000px-Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome_svg

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 5 #spoof

image

Back to the Future (20??)

Nooooooo. I can’t even bring myself to joke about this. But I just know it’s going to happen! Despite what Robery Zemeckis says, money talks; just ask Judas. How dare they will have going to have rebooted this classic! Sad face. Possibly justified as someone having gone back to the past from the future and changing the timelines in some kind of Star Trek reboot stylee.

No. Seriously. This will happen.

2000px-Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome_svg2000px-Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome_svg

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboot: 4 #spoof

the-x-files-revival-cast

The X-Files: the Amazon Prime Series (2025)

Once the new X-Files series (starting 2016) got cancelled after two seasons, it was only a matter of time before a reimaginized reboot would happen. Relive the story anew of the odd couple that was African American logical smart-thinking LGBT activist, Divinity Scully, and white middle-class zany new-age Jew, Davina Duchovny, as they investigate the paranormal — all at the tax-payers’ expense.

Note: this article was originally written in 2016, and the prediction about only two seasons of the new X-Files has actually come true!

2000px-Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome_svg2000px-Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome_svg

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 3

image

The Lord of the Rings: the HBO series (2022)

After scrabbling around for something, anything to replicate the success of Game of Thrones (finished 2018), HBO finally hits upon the idea of a Lord of the Rings series(!) It’s time to go back down the Hobbit hole, but this time using all the appendices and flabby bits that Walsh, Boyens, and Jackson wisely left out of the film, in an all new, ten-episodes-a-series, eight-series epic. Starring Sean Bean — who dies again.

Note: this article was originally written in 2016, and this prediction has actually come true!

2000px-Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome_svg2000px-Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome_svg

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 2

image

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone: Part I (2022)

For a new generation of kids and fans, J. K. Rowling’s world now eked out with additional previously undiscovered source materials, this will spark a new frenzy of pottermania. Each of the first six books will receive a two part film makeover each, with the final getting a trilogy — or a two-part trilogy, depending on the box office takings.

2000px-Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome_svg2000px-Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome_svg

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: 1

labyrinth1

Labyrinth (2021)

Spurred on by the popstar’s recent demise, this is a hastily cobbled together “tribute” to the classic David Bowie flick. With none of the charm and wonder of the original, this film will shit all over your childhood memories. Possibly starring a female as David Bowie, and ever-young Elijah Wood (now 40 years old) playing 16 year old Sam (formerly Sarah, portrayed by Jennifer Connelly).

The next part will be released over the weekend

2000px-Circle_arrow_left_font_awesome_svg2000px-Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome_svg

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots: Intro #Spoof

Cabin-Fever

It used to be that to qualify for a reboot or remake, a film had to satisfy two criteria:

  1. the original had to be a “classic”,
  2. a generation had to have passed since the original: Cape Fear (1962, 1991), The Hills Have Eyes (1977, 2006), Superman (1976, 2006).

Not so anymore. The appearance of Cabin Fever, a 2016 remake of a middling 2002 film, means all bets are off. And it’s not the only one:

  • Hulk (2003, 2008)
  • Fantastic Four (2005, 2015)
  • Death at a Funeral (2007, 2010)
  • Planet of the Apes (1968, 2001… 2011)

Using sophisticated NASA-style algorithms (read: guesswork) powered by the next generation software and hardware (read: coffee, boredom in my job), I have managed to foretell a 100% accurate schedule* of film and TV reboots for the next few years.

So put these dates in your daybook, because these films are coming to a cinema near you!

*At time of going to press: all changes to schedule are the result of a mishap with a DeLorean.

2000px-Circle_arrow_right_font_awesome_svg

Upcoming Movie and TV Reboots! #reboot #remake #sequel

Cabin-Fever

It used to be that to qualify for a reboot or remake, a film had to satisfy two criteria:

  1. the original had to be a “classic”,
  2. a generation had to have passed since the original: Cape Fear (1962, 1991), The Hills Have Eyes (1977, 2006), Superman (1976, 2006).

Not so anymore. The appearance of Cabin Fever, a 2016 remake of a middling 2002 film, means all bets are off. And it’s not the only one:

  • Hulk (2003, 2008)
  • Fantastic Four (2005, 2015)
  • Death at a Funeral (2007, 2010)
  • Planet of the Apes (1968, 2001… 2011)

Using sophisticated NASA-style algorithms (read: guesswork) powered by the next generation software and hardware (read: coffee, boredom in my job), I have managed to foretell a 100% accurate schedule* of film and TV reboots for the next few years.

So put these dates in your daybook, because these films are coming to a cinema near you!

*At time of going to press: all changes to schedule are the result of a mishap with a DeLorean.

Film Review: Cabin Fever (2016) @thefilmreview @KermodeMovie

cabin-fever-trailer-14806-large

Stars3

Ah, the great tradition of the horror film remake: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974, 2003), The Last House on the Left (1972, 2009), Carrie (1976, 2013), Poltergeist (1982, 2015) and now… Cabin Fever. When I first heard they’d be rebooting the thirteen year old Eli Roth flick, I thought it was an actual joke. The 2002 original was hardly a classic, and surely thirteen years was just too soon. At least with those dodgy English language remakes (Ring, Let Me In), there’s some vaguely-justifiable kind of point: more familiar actors, setting, language. Cabin Fever version 2016 might just be the most pointless remake ever.

I was at least hoping writer Randy Pearlstein would take Eli Roth’s concept in a completely different direction, give it a different spin: do a number like the Scissor Sisters did to Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb. But instead they’ve done a Madonna American Pie.

It really is the same film. A bunch of young adults go to a cabin in the woods but they all start getting mysteriously ill with a flesh-eating sickness: hence the punny title, Cabin Fever. The same horror shocks as the original (the razor scene, anybody?), the same OTT humour (violent hillbilly locals). But at least the lead characters in the Travis Zariwny directed reboot are not annoying. In fact, they’re quite believable — by horror movie standards, at least. I mean, one character does try to get help by peering in the window at a love-making couple, and promptly gets chased away for being a pervert, instead of just, y’know, knocking on the door. The slightly (like 10%) heightened realism affects the humour, too: the jokes just aren’t quite as zany and funny as the original (for example, there’s no sign of everyone’s favourite line “shootin’ niggas”).

All in all, I thought 2002 Cabin Fever was entertaining if pretty poor. I gave it two stars. 2016 Cabin Fever is still pretty funny, though not quite as much, and it’s still pretty horror-ish, yet slightly more believable. Good fun. A slight improvement over the original. But seriously: no more remakes of decade old non-classics, please. What next? A remake of Osunsanmi’s 2009 The Fourth Kind? Another Hitcher Reboot?

3/5

© 2016 Bryan A. J. Parry

featured image from http://www.tribute.ca/images/videos/cabin-fever-trailer-14806-large.jpg