Song: “Monday Morning Mishap (Never Make Tea In The Nude)”

Going through my old files, and I found this absolute gem that I boshed off, apparently at exactly on the 1st of June 2008 at 4pm. Forgotten I had written it. This was classic me from around 2008; silly, surreal, nutty, smutty. Wish I had my blog then! In any case, despite not remember having written it, as soon as I saw it, I remembered the tune I came up with to go with it. Maybe I’ll post the tune in the future. In any case, this is a song, hence it is not 100% metrically consistent from a poem standpoint.

SONG: MONDAY MORNING MISHAP (NEVER MAKE TEA IN THE NUDE)

[VERSE 1]

Got up feeling groggy,

Body somewhat soggy from the night.

Demons and devils, nightmares straddled me,

Screeching in me lugs when I was sleeping, wrapped up tight.

 

But now awake

I make a cuppa rosy in the kitchen,

This languid body’s twitchin’

‘Cos of warm, wet Rosy Lee it’s itchin’.

 

Fill the kettle with brown water from a rusted tap,

Seethin’ liquids, pour the water, kettle handle snaps,

I wouldn’t mind too much I swear but only for the fact,

That my John Thomas hanging out was scolded to the sack.

 

[CHORUS 1]

Never make tea in the nude.

Never make tea in the nude.

I ain’t a prude, just please, be shrewd,

And never make tea in the nude.

 

It really ain’t that clever

To expose your old fella

‘Alf a kettle tests your mettle

An’ leaves ya feelin’ yella

 

So never make tea in the nude

 

[VERSE 2]

Several years long after that

My wife long-since departed

Not from her death, but death of sex,

My piston’s not since started

 

She said I stank, and drank a lot,

An’ was a useless prannock,

But worse disgrace, a waste of space,

Now that I could not fill her crannock.

 

If you ask me in the pub at five thirty I’ll say

That she’s a fuckin’ whore, a slut, an’ I left her that day,

But come the tollin’ of the bell at closin’ time pissed up,

I’ll tell the truth, an’ climb the roof, an’ threaten to jump off.

 

It happens every night, last night was no exception,

This morn a banging head, black eyes, and half a recollection;

So I take my medicine, half a pint of gin,

An’ an English fry up, to my dosser day begin.

 

A fryin’ pan of butter, sizzlin’ sausages,

Some rashers, mushrooms, and brown bread,

Just what old Frankie needs;

The chocka-block brown-rusted pan

I popped in there three eggs,

But I slipped, the handle ripped,

Fried sausage ‘twixt two legs.

 

[CHORUS 2]

Never make eggs in the nude.

Never make eggs in the nude.

I ain’t a prude, just please, be shrewd,

And never make eggs in the nude.

 

It really ain’t that clever

To expose your old fella

A full up pan sears ya man

An’ leaves ya feelin’ yella

 

So never make eggs in the nude

Never make eggs in the nude

Don’t be like Frank who’ll no more wank

Never make eggs in the nude.

Never make eggs in the nude.

Don’t be like Frank who’ll no more wank,

And never make eggs in the nude.

 

 

Bryan A J Parry 1st June 4ish pm. 2008

© 2019 Bryan A. J. Parry

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What’s this film called?

HungarySpoofGerman

This is quite possibly the most pointless thing I will ever write. So… Enjoy!

When I go abroad, I love to watch foreign telly. Even though I have very little idea what they’re talking about, I enjoy seeing the differences between our superior British TV and their inferior outlander television. Think hetheth etheth etheth from The Fast Show. But more than that, I’m a language-lover, and so I just enjoy hearing authentic foreignese.

I recently went to Budapest. One night, I sat up till the wee hours (that’s Scotch for “small”; I was in Scotland recently, too) watching a film. I enjoyed it. Even though it was complete bollocks. But I have no idea what it was called and therefore I cannot do my obligatory post-film ritual of looking up every little thing about it on IMDB.com. This is now driving me to despair.

If I explain the film to you, Dear Reader, will you please psychically intuit its name and let me know? I will reward you handsomely. Behold! 100 Hungarian florints!

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No, seriously: I will send you this coin if you tell me the name of the film (I’m not joking). A whole hundred! I swear it by the old Gods* and the new.**

So, the film then…

  • It was evidently a German film dubbed into Hungarian. It was like a crap German rip off of Hot Shots!. Yes, when you thought the spoof genre couldn’t get any worse: ladies and gentlemen, the German spoof.
  • The lead character: white guy, long dark hair, slightly chubby, glasses. He mostly had a Rambo-style headband, but earlier in the film he was wearing a leather jacket.
  • In one scene, a girl officer is crying, and the ?General offers a hanky from his sleeve. Except it was a series of multi-coloured hankies linked together like a clown.
  • In the same office but ?a different scene (I don’t remember now; I was tanked up on Goulash at the time), random people from nowhere start pouring into the office and laughing at the protagonist. One guy dies from laughter and his ghost carries on this cruel spasmodic audible thoracic diaphragmatic contraction-based mockery.
  • There’s an oriental-looking bad guy with a dodgy ‘tache.
  • A Predator is hunting them and at one point invisibly slays the protagonist’s foes so that everyone, including the protagonist himself, thinks the protagonist is possessed of some psychic mage-like powers. This Predator eventually takes off its suit to reveal himself as __PLOT SPOILERZ__ a sexy female Vulcan.
  • In one scene the bad guy is speaking down the phone to a guy who is copying the words down. Reveal: the guy on the other end of the line is SAT NEXT TO HIM. Like, lulz.
  • After the protagonist (getting tired of typing this word already; how about “pr’ag”?) succeeds in his mission, they pour a trophy full of medals over his head. And he gets the girl. Wahey.

And that’s about all I remember. Good bye.

 

Footnotes:
*YHWH, Allah, Zeus.
**Britney Spears, Jordan, Tom Hardy.

© 2014 Bryan A. J. Parry

Top 5 Forgetful Sports Stars, Yeehaw! News (Spoof Article)

TOP 5 FORGETFUL SPORTS STARS, YEEHAW NEWS (SPOOF ARTICLE)

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5. In 1993 Michael Jordan shocked the world by turning away from basketball and turning out for baseball’s the Chicago White Sox. He caused even more of a stir when, on returning to basketball 18 months later, he came fully kitted out in pitcher’s glove, cap, and bat. Despite the initial shock, Jordan put in an unorthodox performance and scored three home runs as the Chicago Bulls beat the Orlando Magic 74-21 in the NBA finals.

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4. Back in 2007, Javier Mascherano forget he’d signed a five year, twenty million pound deal with FC Barcelona and shocked colleagues by turning up to train at Anfield on the first day of pre-season.

“We didn’t want to break it to him”, said club legend Steven Gerrard, “his wife had just left him for John Terry at the time and I think his Argie mind wasn’t all there”

Mascherano played out a full 17 games for Liverpool before FC Barcelona decided to break the news to him and bring him kicking and screaming to the Camp Nou.

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3. Top thug Ashley Cole forgot he was married to Cheryl Cole and went home and shagged Cheryl’s bandmate, Kimberley Walsh. The case of mistaken identity only came to light on the couple’s wedding anniversary when Cheryl turned up on a Bahamas beach and demanded a divorce. Ashley Cole’s defence of, “I’m sorry darling, but all you white chicks look the same to me” didn’t go down well, but later a qualified sportologist confirmed that the champion marksman Cole was definitely not insane, or drunk. Ashley and Cheryl remarried a week later and, in a gey twist of fate, Walsh was the bridesmaid.

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2. Number two on our list, Rio Ferdinand, who, on the Saturday morning of the 14th of April, 2004, between 7.43 and 9.21am, forgot to act like a self-important, smug prick. All were stunned.

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1. Perhaps the greatest shock in sporting history, however, came when 1936 FA cup legend, Clifford Bastin, forgot he had died in 1991, and turned in a stellar performance for Arsenal against Manchester United in the 2005 FA Cup final, ultimately scoring twice and being awarded man of the match. When a news reporter questioned him post-match on this unlikely turn of events, he yelled “eek” and disappeared in a puff of ash never to be seen again.

 

© 2013-2014 Bryan A. J. Parry

Images from:
5 ibtimes.com
4 newsobserver.com
la-boca-de-la-cueva.blogspot.com
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/legacy/chrischarles/rio595335.jpg
http://img1.ngoisao.vn/news/2011/12/6/44/henrybastinjpg1323142543.jpg

Article inspired by “Top 5 Forgetful Sports Stars”: http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/the-rundown/article/5807/