Going through my old files, and I found this absolute gem that I boshed off, apparently at exactly on the 1st of June 2008 at 4pm. Forgotten I had written it. This was classic me from around 2008; silly, surreal, nutty, smutty. Wish I had my blog then! In any case, despite not remember having written it, as soon as I saw it, I remembered the tune I came up with to go with it. Maybe I’ll post the tune in the future. In any case, this is a song, hence it is not 100% metrically consistent from a poem standpoint.
SONG: MONDAY MORNING MISHAP (NEVER MAKE TEA IN THE NUDE)
[VERSE 1]
Got up feeling groggy,
Body somewhat soggy from the night.
Demons and devils, nightmares straddled me,
Screeching in me lugs when I was sleeping, wrapped up tight.
But now awake
I make a cuppa rosy in the kitchen,
This languid body’s twitchin’
‘Cos of warm, wet Rosy Lee it’s itchin’.
Fill the kettle with brown water from a rusted tap,
Seethin’ liquids, pour the water, kettle handle snaps,
I wouldn’t mind too much I swear but only for the fact,
That my John Thomas hanging out was scolded to the sack.
[CHORUS 1]
Never make tea in the nude.
Never make tea in the nude.
I ain’t a prude, just please, be shrewd,
And never make tea in the nude.
It really ain’t that clever
To expose your old fella
‘Alf a kettle tests your mettle
An’ leaves ya feelin’ yella
So never make tea in the nude
[VERSE 2]
Several years long after that
My wife long-since departed
Not from her death, but death of sex,
My piston’s not since started
She said I stank, and drank a lot,
An’ was a useless prannock,
But worse disgrace, a waste of space,
Now that I could not fill her crannock.
If you ask me in the pub at five thirty I’ll say
That she’s a fuckin’ whore, a slut, an’ I left her that day,
But come the tollin’ of the bell at closin’ time pissed up,
I’ll tell the truth, an’ climb the roof, an’ threaten to jump off.
It happens every night, last night was no exception,
This morn a banging head, black eyes, and half a recollection;
So I take my medicine, half a pint of gin,
An’ an English fry up, to my dosser day begin.
A fryin’ pan of butter, sizzlin’ sausages,
Some rashers, mushrooms, and brown bread,
Just what old Frankie needs;
The chocka-block brown-rusted pan
I popped in there three eggs,
But I slipped, the handle ripped,
Fried sausage ‘twixt two legs.
[CHORUS 2]
Never make eggs in the nude.
Never make eggs in the nude.
I ain’t a prude, just please, be shrewd,
And never make eggs in the nude.
It really ain’t that clever
To expose your old fella
A full up pan sears ya man
An’ leaves ya feelin’ yella
So never make eggs in the nude
Never make eggs in the nude
Don’t be like Frank who’ll no more wank
Never make eggs in the nude.
Never make eggs in the nude.
Don’t be like Frank who’ll no more wank,
And never make eggs in the nude.
Bryan A J Parry 1st June 4ish pm. 2008
© 2019 Bryan A. J. Parry
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